I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
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Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.