A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
“I don’t want to talk about it, so I posted some lyrics for you to decipher about how it’s your fault.” ~ girls
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Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
most vending-machine shaking incidents are elaborate coverups by people who don’t want to be seen hugging the machine and saying i love you
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.