“I don’t want to talk about it, so I posted some lyrics for you to decipher about how it’s your fault.” ~ girls

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Seems like Hello Kitty should be a brand of condoms.


“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.


I went on a date with a girl I met from twitter once. It didn’t work out, but he’s one of the nicest guys I’ve ever met.


If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.


I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣


For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.



Today’s kids will never know how it felt to give your computer AIDS just for free music


brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it



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