@Grommit56

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

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@Momtoteens

If gyms paid pretty girls to just sit and clap in the weight section, I bet they could charge anything they want for a membership.

@topaz_kell

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

@jonnysun

bill cosby’s full name is “bill sinby over tanby”

@AmericanGent69

Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.

@iGreenGod

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

@TheAlexP

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

@underchilde

Most women who’ve dated me will tell you I’m about an 8 on the pain scale.