Werewolves in the 80’s destroyed so much denim.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
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Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
If gyms paid pretty girls to just sit and clap in the weight section, I bet they could charge anything they want for a membership.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
bill cosby’s full name is “bill sinby over tanby”
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Most women who’ve dated me will tell you I’m about an 8 on the pain scale.