I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
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Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.