Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took a good look at my finances.

I won’t make that mistake again.

The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up

I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?

Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

“What kind of dog do you have?”

“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”

“And what kind of cat?”

“Orange”

If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.