I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
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Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine