I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
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If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.