I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
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It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
If I go the 90 you can at least go the 10
“Ma’am, that restraining order requires you go the zero.”
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Some questions in life you don’t even need to ask. Like when your child tells you they need to go to the store at 8pm to get stuff for a project.
You know 1) they’ve known about it for three weeks and 2) it’s due tomorrow.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos