@Whatevah_Amy

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

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@NeptunePhoenix

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

@themorris23

If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”

@humanaaron

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

@birbigs

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

@carlyken

Buy Domino’s
Fire everyone
Hire dragons
Fire roasted pizzas
Delivery in six minutes or less

IMAGINE DRAGONS

@pranavsapra

They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.

@squirrel74wkgn

[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall

@Kennedydp5

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

@jazmasta

You can use your cat as a towel. There’s no specific laws against it.

@TheNYAMProject

When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.