I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
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They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Perfect one night stand:
No internet access.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
[Walking into the gym Jan 1st]
Trainer: Hello! This is a great life change you’re making.
Me: [confused] This used to be an Olive Garden..
I took over 50,000 steps today by taping my fitness bracelet to my Roomba.
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
british sex workers really pound for pound
Halloween is, by far, the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.