Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
You Might Also Like
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Fire roasted pizzas
Delivery in six minutes or less
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
You can use your cat as a towel. There’s no specific laws against it.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.