@Whatevah_Amy

I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

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@jferg1616

I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.

@cluedont

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

@TwinzerDad

Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?

TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)

Therapist: Go on

TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!

@robin_991

If I go the 90 you can at least go the 10

“Ma’am, that restraining order requires you go the zero.”

@sofarrsogud

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

@GianDoh

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

@Divergentmama

Some questions in life you don’t even need to ask. Like when your child tells you they need to go to the store at 8pm to get stuff for a project.

You know 1) they’ve known about it for three weeks and 2) it’s due tomorrow.

@FredTaming

doctor: the good news is you’re dying

me: how is that good news??

doctor: i don’t like you

@zachreinert03

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos