I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡

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I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.


They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.


People always say โ€œunceremoniously firedโ€ like it ever happens any other way. Iโ€™d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.


Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.

No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.


[Walking into the gym Jan 1st]

Trainer: Hello! This is a great life change you’re making.

Me: [confused] This used to be an Olive Garden..


I took over 50,000 steps today by taping my fitness bracelet to my Roomba.


Alternate universe where all appearances of the word โ€œlilโ€ in rappers names have to be replaced with the word โ€œteensy weensyโ€


Halloween is, by far, the safest day to kill a person and leave them in a chair on your porch.


I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.