Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.

me: aw i look so cute

my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

A man reading a thesaurus saunters into a tavern.

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

Teacher: Name the five senses

Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashion

Teacher:

Me: *counting on fingers* What?

Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

[framing store]

SALESPERSON: how can I help you

ME: make it look like my wife did a murder

Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.

kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up

me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:

“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.