I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
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Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
Everyone’s family
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Not helping
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.