I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
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I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*