I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
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*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more