I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
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Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
pelicons
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?