The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
I don’t wear tight skirts because I’m flirty, I wear tight skirts because they used to fit.
*eats another Oreo*
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#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
ME: So, was I a good person on earth?
GOD: I mean, you did the Macarena at every wedding
GOD: Like, even when it wasn’t playing
ME: Yeah, that’s bad
GOD: And not even just to dance songs either
ME: Okay I get it
GOD: You barely got in here
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
My wife said that to make our marriage work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’ve chosen a goat.
[drops the bass]
[gets fired from fishmongers]
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.