@ZoeLightly

I don’t wear tight skirts because I’m flirty, I wear tight skirts because they used to fit.

*eats another Oreo*

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@iamblackmamba76

A dating app that matches up the only-eats-the-icing people with the only-eats-the-cake people

@AndyShulk

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

@WotDLuck

A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge

@skullmandible

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

@meladoodle

Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time

@lmegordon

I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.

@WheelTod

A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.