Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
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What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
2023 was just a warmup
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
God, I love Scotland
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
How did we not see this back then?
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”