Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
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“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
New tinder profile pic
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.