Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
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Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
secret recipe
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
For those that worship cheese..
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!