I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
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Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
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ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
I’m so sick and tired of all the Internet bullying. “My password is NOT weak. YOU DONT EVEN KNOW ME!”
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me: