I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
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so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
DID YOU KNOW: If you don’t eat animal products, you will take it out on everyone else forever?
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
🚲+physics = winner
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
When life gives you lemons, worship the elder Gods. Take candy from a baby. Drink from a trough of blood. Who cares? None of this matters
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.