Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
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When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Cashier: Aww, you grocery shop so your wife doesn’t have to?
[flashback to me losing paper, rock, scissors]
Me: Yeah, I’m sweet like that.
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
?Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae?
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread