I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
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I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Candles never taste the way they smell
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….