I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
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If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.