I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
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I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.