@mrjohndarby

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

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@LucyLouMcB

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!

Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.

*fuzz moves*

Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!

@DaveWeasel

“Don’t Kid Yourself” would be the greatest brand name for birth control pills.

@AdamTheLobster

Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right

@HappyHijabbi

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

@squirrel74wkgn

[looking at pregnancy test]

Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird

Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird

@hippieswordfish

In the future when cats rule the world, the currency will be Cuteness and i will be a poor and lonely man

@JustMeTurtle

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.