@mrjohndarby

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

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@imdaintyaf

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]

@DwHavoc

People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT

@thejessbess

I’m no scientist, but I don’t think it’s possible for EVERYBODY to be kung fu fighting.

@HatfieldAnne

Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.

@obviousplant_

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

@girlontapas

I am not a functional alcoholic.

I am a dysfunctional sober person.

@JaySaysStuff

Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.

@Brampersandon_

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

@Fab_Mommy_

Went to bed with a can of pringles, woke up and finished them.

Always finish what you start.