[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
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People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I’m no scientist, but I don’t think it’s possible for EVERYBODY to be kung fu fighting.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I am not a functional alcoholic.
I am a dysfunctional sober person.
God must have really liked saturn
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Went to bed with a can of pringles, woke up and finished them.
Always finish what you start.