You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
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3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
“Don’t Kid Yourself” would be the greatest brand name for birth control pills.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
My phone can hold 5000 songs or 1 voicemail from my mom
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
In the future when cats rule the world, the currency will be Cuteness and i will be a poor and lonely man
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.