@Cpin42

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

- @Cpin42

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@Lhlodder

Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.

@hellohappy_time

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

@NatasshaStash

A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo

@daddydoubts

When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.

He’s a pickpocket.

@vonTraphaus

Mario Bros. Plumbing ????? (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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@AtticusFinch79

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

@daddydoubts

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Hitman: Hey what’s up

Me: My neighbor parked in front of my house again

@jlock17

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”