I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
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Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT