I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
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Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare