I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
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[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic