Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
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I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
You had ONE job!
– insensitive greetings card for the recently laid-off.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you