I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
You Might Also Like
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
How to make infinite energy.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows