@Discourt

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

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@shahnischmani

Just heard a lady say she’s been shopping at this Kmart for the last 15 years, and I was like, “doesn’t your family miss you?”

@leftarmisme

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

@Dawn_M_

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

@skittle624

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

@BoogTweets

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

@IvoryGazelle

listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work

@feverboner

The worst thing about living in a haunted house is knowing damn well there was still some gin left before I blacked out and then waking up to see the ghosts finished all my gin.

@omgshuddup

Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?

@Darlainky

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.