I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

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I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.


How can you waste food when there are starving children in…ew onions.


*wife and I start having an argument in a crowded restaurant*
*she storms out upset*
*I follow*

Outside: “DINE AND DASH SUCCESS!” *high 5*


“Don’t tell me how to raise my cat!,” I yell at my 7 y/o daughter who’s chastising me for baby birding a tuna sandwich into my cat’s mouth


Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.


Her: I just don’t like you, no one does
Me: What, why? is it my hair?
Her: no
Her: no, it’s your personality
Me: oh thank god


Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.


Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.


ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting