I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

You Might Also Like


Just heard a lady say she’s been shopping at this Kmart for the last 15 years, and I was like, “doesn’t your family miss you?”


If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone


Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.


You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.


Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ


listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work


The worst thing about living in a haunted house is knowing damn well there was still some gin left before I blacked out and then waking up to see the ghosts finished all my gin.


Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?


My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.