I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
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If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?
so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks