I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
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If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”