I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
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if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
me: man technology is scary af
black mirror: here are some more scary technological things you haven’t even thought of yet
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins