It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
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For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
What flavor cupcake are these
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
Who wants to be my Valentine?
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Matt Goss
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.