@cravin4

I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

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@pleatedjeans

[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT

@ehdannyboy

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

@vineyille

How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”

@maisonshouting

MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house

@Mr_Kapowski

Watched an old man pay in all quarters and my only thought was “he must keep all the money he pulls from behind kid’s ears”

@laura_payton

Registering my annual objection to Groundhog Day. We live in Canada. There will most definitely be six more weeks of winter. I don’t need a rodent to tell me this.

@Prero22

A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.

@TheTweetOfGod

My advice for anyone who wants more followers is simple: Form them from dust and breathe into their nostrils. #workedforMe

@girl_a_whirl

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

@crushingbort

Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child