I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
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A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
*3.5 thank you very much.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*