I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.

It was a vicious cycle.

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[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*


“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.


How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”


MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house


Watched an old man pay in all quarters and my only thought was “he must keep all the money he pulls from behind kid’s ears”


Registering my annual objection to Groundhog Day. We live in Canada. There will most definitely be six more weeks of winter. I don’t need a rodent to tell me this.


A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.


My advice for anyone who wants more followers is simple: Form them from dust and breathe into their nostrils. #workedforMe


The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.


Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child