I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
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You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.