I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
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I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”