@katiefzack

I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”

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@BillMc7

All You Need Is Love. And an IQ low enough to believe that.

@kumailn

“I bet all those murders are done by that hooded guy whose always running around rooftops w 17 weapons on him.”-Nobody in Assassin’s Creed

@RainbowJohnJ

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.

@sirivan

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

@TragicAllyHere

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

@FeelingEuphoric

WINDOWS: update? 🙂

ME: I can’t

WINDOWS: later? 🙂

ME: I don’t know if I—

WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂

ME: fine, later tho

WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂

@Home_Halfway

I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.