I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

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[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!


Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.


You get the public restroom all to yourself if you sing Happy Birthday to your poops.


WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall!



Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?


“I’m gonna lick you from head to toe and make you so, so moist”

I whispered to my candy bar while my boss looked on in horror


My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.


Attractive woman at concert: these guys are so much better live

Me trying to be agreeable: yeah, I’ll probably stop going when they’re dead