@trumpetcake

I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too

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@Tommytoughstuff

[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!

@ValeeGrrl

Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.

@bngzyface

You get the public restroom all to yourself if you sing Happy Birthday to your poops.

@captainkalvis

WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall!

ME [to the fire]: MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KITCHEN

@UncleDuke1969

Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.

Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?

@Smooheed

“I’m gonna lick you from head to toe and make you so, so moist”

I whispered to my candy bar while my boss looked on in horror

@stockejock

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

@bewgtweets

Attractive woman at concert: these guys are so much better live

Me trying to be agreeable: yeah, I’ll probably stop going when they’re dead