@Tommytoughstuff
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
@trumpetcake
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
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@Tommytoughstuff
@TheTweetOfGod
It’s true what they say: shut up.
@ValeeGrrl
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
@bngzyface
You get the public restroom all to yourself if you sing Happy Birthday to your poops.
@captainkalvis
WIFE: the kitchen is burning to the ground! we have to call the fire marshall!
ME [to the fire]: MARSHALL! STOP BURNING MY KITCHEN
@UncleDuke1969
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
@Smooheed
“I’m gonna lick you from head to toe and make you so, so moist”
I whispered to my candy bar while my boss looked on in horror
@stockejock
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
@bewgtweets
Attractive woman at concert: these guys are so much better live
Me trying to be agreeable: yeah, I’ll probably stop going when they’re dead
@mrtruthandsoul
Right now, somewhere in China, someone is wokking their dog