When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
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[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”