me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
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The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
I’m being attacked 😭
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”