[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
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Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Dear Gym,
I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…
I’m just using you to get into my own pants.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly