I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
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Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Yes, this is exactly right
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
ok this is my dumbest yet
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣