@HousewifeOfHell

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

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@hippieswordfish

Me: I’ll have the lasagna
Waiter: do you want bugs in that?
Me: what? No
Waiter: ok good that would be gross

@asimplesean

The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.

@SvnSxty

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

@marebytes

Brutally honest? I’m always honest … I guess the brutality would depend on your level of aversion to the truth

@andlikelaura

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

@LilBlueBlood

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

@ElleOhHell

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

@MikeCanRant

There are so many animal nudes on the internet. I mean, its not even regulated. Literally almost every animal picture is naked.

@sonictyrant

cop:*pulls me over*
me:*winds down car door window*
cop: where’s the rest of your vehicle?

@IamEveryDayPpl

My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.