I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
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A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Bless you
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Cinematography is my passion
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.