Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
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I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.