I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
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CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
This rocks
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.