@SuitableHolmes

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

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@AdamTheLobster

I always see homeless people walking around with cups of change. I bet they could afford a house if they werent drinking money all the time.

@HenpeckedHal

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

@AmishPornStar1

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

@KentWGraham

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

@BillMc7

All You Need Is Love. And an IQ low enough to believe that.

@sarcasticmommy4

How’s the parenting going over here?

My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”

@SteveKoehler22

Top five movies that could
easily have been about @ ‘ers :

-Alien
-Psycho
-Raging Bull
-Close Encounters
-One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

@ItsAllCrazyToMe

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

@kelly_eberle

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.