@SuitableHolmes
@SteveDutzy
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
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@SteveDutzy
@causticbob
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
@Book_Krazy
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
@thenatewolf
*everybody gasps as I drop the baby*
Oh no was it expensive?
@WhaJoTalkinBout
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
@JustMeTurtle
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Donβt worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
@PaperWash
date: and then after traveling to Iceland I decided to get my MBA
me:
date:
me: I went to Arby’s 7 times yesterday
@crunchenhanced
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
@TheHyyyype
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
@TheToddWilliams
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo