@SuitableHolmes

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

You Might Also Like

@laurrlor

I can’t believe I’m in class on Presidents’ Day. This is an obamanation.

@NotARatsAss

My dog is so passive-aggressive. She let me sleep in late this morning, but then counter-surfed and stole my breakfast.

@graceupongracie

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

@Notawhiner

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

@GrantTanaka

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

@mrtiredeyes

When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face

@TheBoydP

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

@AmishPornStar1

Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?

And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!