I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

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*Makes joke on Twitter*


*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*


Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate


*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*


*everybody gasps as I drop the baby*
Oh no was it expensive?


For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.


Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo


date: and then after traveling to Iceland I decided to get my MBA



me: I went to Arby’s 7 times yesterday


Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.


[i see a hot girl walking her dog]

me: hi, can i ask you a question?

her: hi, uh, sure

me: i was talking to your dog

her: oh haha ok

me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me


GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo