I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
You Might Also Like
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
I like crazy people until they notice me
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.