[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I drink, therefore I am…. Drunk.
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How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.
Her: Ask me anything..
Me: Do you know how to properly layer nachos?
Her: Are you seri..
Me: *flips table*
oh you’re rich? name every number on your credit card.
Being funny is connecting two unrelated things and making a joke, said my parents
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.