@super_morgasm

I drink, therefore I am…. Drunk.

You Might Also Like

@DaddyJew

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

@GFGander

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face

@Thedudish

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

@ChicorelliStar

I love a room with a fire place it sets the tone for a romantic night, drinking wine slow dancing, burning evidence.

@ComedicBust

*Blind Date*

Her: Ask me anything..

Me: Do you know how to properly layer nachos?

Her: Are you seri..

Me: *flips table*

@GHlACCIO

oh you’re rich? name every number on your credit card.

@LeahTiscione

Being funny is connecting two unrelated things and making a joke, said my parents

@DirtMcTurd

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

@TweetPotato314

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.