Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
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being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.