“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
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People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.