[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
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Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Who.
Did.
This?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.