*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
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A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Never forget.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Just a phase…
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin