I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
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My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!