@TheToddWilliams

I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro

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@CakeLikeBeth

Don’t ask me how I managed to take this because I’m not entirely sure

@CantWaitToNap

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

@TheCatWhisprer

I don’t think the Care Bears get enough street cred for shaving their stomachs & tattooing them with happy things.

@natsantonia

To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.

@LibelousLurker

Note from 5yo:

“I need help with my meth.”

I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.

@Carbosly

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

@IndecisiveJones

[creating scorpions]

satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second

@Metalligretch

I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.

@philYama

If losing a debate, end a sentence with “see what I did there?”. As your opponent tries to figure it out, hit them with closest blunt object

@darksidedeb

Police officer: You get to make one phone call.

Me: Do I have to?